11/20/2017
11:11am
What should I do? What would you like from me?
Would you like to know the truth, would that really set you free?
Do you really want to know about the pain inside my soul?
If I describe how hopeless I feel, do you think it would make you whole?
What should I do? Should I rant and scream?
Should I smile and act like life is a wonderful dream?
How can I please you? How can I fit your mold?
Would you like me to look different? Maybe a little less crazy, a different kind of bold?
I don't know what to do, I cannot tell you what I need,
For if I were to show you my hell, you would never again be freed.
There is no escape from the pain within, and no peace for me to find,
To watch those you love whither away, to try and leave the past behind.
There's nothing but torment, if you want the truth, and I deserve every part,
For I do nothing but let people down, and that's just the very start.
I'm a mess, as I cannot seem to escape the past,
Every memory a dagger, every wound built to last.
There is no stopping this, and nothing will ever be okay.
Is that the truth you want from me, is that what you wanted me to say?
Or should I lie, as I have, and act as if I'm fine and well?
When really every breath I take reminds me of this hell.
I have no words for the state of my soul, but I wish it no longer were there,
For the pain within it at this time of year, makes me wish I was numb and without care.
I hate how I remember every little thing, and it's all trapped inside.
And there is no way to show you all these things that I try and hide.
The daily tears, the internal screams, and the past I cannot forget.
It's all here, a part of me, and it never slows, not one little bit.
I wish this agony on no one, for it is a hell that no devil would make, or even try.
I'm here, alive and breathing, but not a day I do not see that I don't think of when I will die.
It's Sad but it's true, and there's nothing I can change,
To most, even those with bad or hard times, might think I'm exaggerating or just strange.
But I don't want this, not one second more,
And if God was merciful he would have already shown me the exit door.
I hang on, but I know not why,
Because every day my soul withers and I cry.
Not one single moment would make this seem right,
Not one perfect setting, from darkness to light.
The scars inside my mind are disfiguring to say the least,
And if I could show you what's inside you would see not a smile woman but a scowling beast.
To say all that's inside me is overwhelming would be absurd,
For that's the biggest understatement I believe I've ever heard.
Every moment a new thought, some positive, until a piece of my past latches on and sucks it dry.
Taking all the good, and with it a chance for an escaping high.
There's no rhyme or reason to the madness that is me,
And I don't think I can channel it all, and I'm sure you can agree.
I know everyone struggles, and I know pain comes for us all,
And I never want to reduce someone's walk to a crawl.
I don't want to add all this to your line of sight,
But dammit I find it so hard to keep some of it out of the light.
I am human, I'm fairly certain you are too,
And we've all been where we just don't know what to do.
And to bring someone lower because of your own pain,
Is what I consider quite heartless and vain.
But I write what I know, and right now that is darkness and no hope,
And writing is all I can do to cope.
I don't do very well, and I'm sure anyone can see,
The pain I am drowning in has all but consumed every part of me.
This time of year, oh god how I wish it never came around
For every memory associated with it now threatens to put me in e ground.
I'm not a great person, some would not even consider me good,
But at times I feel I've endured more sorrow than any one person should.
That sounds so pitiful, and I know I am not the only one,
But at times like this it's hard to see passed the clouds to get a glimpse of sun.
The tears are so many, and the aches are never dull,
There's never really a moment where this sentence becomes truly null.
For that's what this is, it surely has to be,
A sentence from the heavens to forever torment me.
I think of things and I want to die,
I don't handle these things well, and it may seem I don't even try.
But god almighty I have done all I can do,
And i can't seem to catch my breath to attempt making it through.
What is left when the sorrow wins,
You are just a shell of all your past sins?
I don't know the answer, and perhaps that's a good thing,
For if I did I cannot imagine how much more pain that would bring.
To be in a hospital and live through every memory,
Is far more of a hell than any brimstone and fire pit I could see.
Nothing hurts worse than this, and if it does I would like to trade,
For these memories are the sharpest and cruelest out of any other blade.
I'm ranting, and I know it, and I can't seem to make it slow down,
For there are so many things I want to share, but they are mine and mine alone, the thrones within my crown.
11:40am
......
11/20/2017
11:01pm
Such a wasted existence, and it's all mine to live,
I have too much sorrow and no smiles to give.
I feel rather pointless, like a misguided ghost,
Not a real being, simply a bother to its host.
I don't know what I am trying to say,
I just hate how I feel, I don't want it this way.
I want to get better, to not dwell in the past,
But it seems that is the only thing in life that can last.
I....
Look.
I can't do this.
My life is.... it's too much right now, and the truth is I am not coping well.
I feel like I'm drowning in memories and sadness and more sorrowful agony than I can shoulder.
These.... I don't know.
I want to blog, I want to write... but my head is so jumbled with things, everything feels wrong and crowded and overflowing with things I can't control or even contain.
When I tweet or whatever about chaos, it's not really just a word for me, because it feels more like it IS me, I feel as if I am chaos, and it destroys every good thing.
It is a nightmare yet I know no other way.
So many things are happening, and I used to handle these things much better than I do now.
I keep seeing my mom, and I don't talk about it a lot because I lose it.
I have tried to shut her out of my mind, because if I don't I feel like I will go insane.
To lose that one person, that one perfect being in your life, to watch them drown within their body and you stand by helplessly watching their end.... it warps you in ways no writer could dare capture.
It's like hope is literally cut out of your soul with a rusty and dull blade.
Every memory becomes cemented in your head, and it kills you.
Every single day I die a little more.
There is really no escaping this.
I feel I let my mom down, and I feel like I'm failing my dad as well.
I'm not perfect and I don't know what I'm doing on the best of days, but I do try... and maybe that's what hurts the most.
The part where you did your best and it was still not enough.
This isn't about failing some test or something, people counted on me.
She counted on me.
I tried.
I'm still trying.
I just don't know how much more I can take before... well before there i am no more.
I try not to put things on other people because I know my problems aren't as bad as some, but I personally am finding great difficulty in my attempt at life.
I don't like it.
You know, I get so tire. So fucking tired that I can barely breath.
Not from needing sleep, but from the absolute and all consuming void that fills me to the brim with nothing but sorrow and pain.
I want to be okay, and I don't want anyone else to ever feel like this.
But I'm not, and other people do.
I don't know how people do it, really.
I can't handle this.
I'm just so godforsaken-ly tired.
I truly want to give up.
There's so much I want to pour out, but I feel as if those things have ejected barbs deep into my soul, preventing me from expelling them from within and saving myself from this terrible damnation.
Hell is real, people.
I know because I am here.
Much love.
Stay strong.
Maybe next time I'll be better.
-Amanda
11:19pm